Protocol and other Accidental Controversies

In a departure from form, I am cross-posting this from my Fetlife blog to here, rather than vice-versa. I am not going to edit from what I said there (mostly because I am wearing a corset and I cannot for the life of me find a comfortable way to sit in front of the computer for long right now), but I would add to this that there have been a lot of good comments over on Fetlife. I think if I felt inclined to edit the post itself instead of just writing this disclaimer, I would add that my biggest problem is the name-calling/anger on both sides of this debate. I already took one individual to task for suggesting commenters ought to name names of people they thought were acting in the ways I mentioned; it is my strong belief that if you have a problem with an individual, you discuss it privately with them. I dealt with enough gossip and drama and shit in high school; I have no desire to repeat it at this point in my life. That being said, I would welcome any comments or insights from readers into this; as I said in my post, I am new to the scene, and I want to learn and experience in the most respectful way possible while being true to my own nature.

So here goes :)

My Mom likes to call me her little shit disturber.

This isn’t because I ever have any sort of desire to make trouble. It’s just that sometimes there are questions that beg to be asked, and things that need to be said, and I don’t see anyone else doing the saying or the begging, and dear lord forgive me but if there is one thing I could never stand, it’s an unbegged question (in the colloquial sense of the phrase, of course, not the philosophical sense. Philosophically, it is Wrong to beg the question. But I digress.)

I love you guys. Let’s get that out there right at the beginning. I’ve said it before, and I have no trouble saying it again and again. The people in this community have helped and continue to help me so much. I hope we continue being friends and hanging out and playing together until I am old and grey.

But lately, I’ve heard the same conversation over and over again. It is a conversation about tradition, and about protocol, and about respect. The conversation has been happening loudly all around me, every time I’m on Fetlife, every time I’m at a party. I’ve heard compelling arguments from both sides. However, there’s a small problem – only one of the sides is making the argument publically. The other side – the side that feels hurt and constrained and maybe a bit left out by calls to tighten ranks and weed out certain people – has been responding privately.

There’s a damn good reason for that. If, like me, they feel like they belong in this maligned category – the people who don’t understand and have no wish to partake in high protocol, or the people who sometimes like to attend parties for the sheer joy of knowing that environment exists, and to interact with friends and respectfully watch play without engaging themselves – this makes it pretty hard to wave your hands and speak up. Many of these people, like me, are new to the scene. No one wants to alienate themselves. We can’t speak of how things “used to be”, because we don’t know. We only know what it is that we are looking for, what makes us feel like we belong.

When I was a teenager and desperately surfing the internet in my tiny town trying to convince myself that these safe havens for my kinks really existed, it was never with an interest in protocol, or even necessarily public play. It was to find a place to be accepted. I thought that these mythical bdsm communities couldn’t possibly really exist, because the idea that there were a group of grownups out there who embraced kink and sex and their bodies and respected one another for it was obviously too good to be true.

It isn’t too good to be true, though, because here we are. But honestly, in reality – and I say this with all the love and affection in the world for the scene - we are just a group of grown-ass adults gathering at somebody’s house to play. We call it play for a reason. We are hedonists, marvelling in sensation, in toys and wax and hands and bodies. We are not modest people, and thank god for that. Don’t try to tell me that one kind of play is more serious than another, or that getting spanked in public is somehow more modest than getting fucked in public. I have had spankings that have been far more intimate and personal than any fucking I’ve ever been party to. And yes, I do understand the spiritual side that bdsm holds for many people, and I respect that as well. I’ve felt it too, when playing with SadistFaction (although I will admit much more when we play in private than in public; I have no problem showing my ass, but my spiritual side is not something I’m comfortable putting on display.) We are kinky people, sharing in the amazing sensations out there, finding within ourselves a place that sets our soul on fire. There is a reason that Fetlife provides us with so many options for our kinky orientation; there are an infinite number of ways for us to play. Submitting and dominating are only two of these ways. Some of us just want to experience all the pleasure that can come from being together with people we care about, and helping them learn to play too.

I have many kinks. Some I publically partake in, some I leave for the bedroom. High protocol is not on either list. As with any kink, I have the utmost respect for anyone who does engage in protocols. And to the best of my ability, within the limits of my own comfort and kink, I will respect them. You don’t want me to speak to your sub without your permission? No problem. I will always respect the boundaries that other people have set in their relationships. But don’t expect me to do the same in mine. If you only speak to SadistFaction and ignore me because I’m wearing his collar, I’m going to assume you are one rude motherfucker who never learned any respect (notice that I didn’t capitalize the personal pronoun when referring to SadistFaction; I will always try to remember and capitalize for people who follow this convention, despite the grammatical willy-nillies that it gives me, but again, this is something I do to be respectful of your kink, not something that I owe you because I am sometimes submissive or because you have submissives of your own).

Lately several of my “vanilla” friends have expressed an interest in where it is I go on the weekend, and many of them have privately confessed to me a wide variety of secret kinks. When they ask me, though, if they can accompany me someday to a party, I sidestep the question. I don’t want them to feel unwelcome, as I sometimes feel unwelcome.

This post is not directed at anyone in particular, although it would be truthful to say that it has come about as the result of several conversations that I have read on Fetlife with growing concern, both from real life friends and strangers. It isn’t directed in anger, though, or as a way to imply that I somehow don’t want to be friends anymore. On the contrary, I am writing these things because I still want to be friends (forever, in fact!). I understand as well that most of the conversations on this topic aren’t directed at me. They are directed at people who are disrespectful in the broader sense of the term, who interrupt scenes, who treat others cruelly, who have no time for other people’s kinks. I want those people gone or disciplined as much as anyone. But I think that when we say “so and so does not subscribe to the same values/protocols/style of play as me, they should be publically shamed/given a Scarlett Letter to wear”, then we risk throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Communities grow, and shift, and evolve. Kink is not new; I can guarantee that as long as people have been having sex, there has been some dude who wanted to lick his wife’s feet and some lady who wanted to piss in her boyfriend’s mouth. Themes of dominance and submission crop up throughout literature and philosophy (and let’s not even get started on religion!) So it feels silly to start drawing lines now.

Many of you have tried to help me become a braver person, a bolder person, a person who recognizes her own merits and proudly displays them. Part of my quiet and shyness comes from never wanting to offend anyone, never wanting someone to be angry with me. I suffer from an intense need to have everyone like me. But that makes me often a fake. It makes me nod my head at things even when I vehemently disagree, just because I cannot stand the thought that someone will think less of me for my opinion. I can’t do that here, and I hope everyone understands. I came here looking for a community of like-minded souls, and I found one. It would be a shame if someone else missed out on that same experience.

With great love and affection,
K8